| THE LORELEI SIGNAL |
.
| Written by Cathy Douglas / Artwork by Holly Eddy |
| The Video Game |
Rapunzel slipped off her Christian Louboutins before
swiping her key card to open the servants' door. They
weren't really her shoes. She'd borrowed them from
Mother, along with a couple suitcases full of designer
fashions, before she came up to the Granny's castle to
visit. At sixteen she felt ready for adult styles. Of course
Mother didn't know she'd be wearing them to
unsanctioned parties, and Granny didn't need to know.
Hopefully by three a.m. the old bag would be in bed.
Rapunzel hooked her finger under the straps and felt
her way through the kitchen toward the back staircase.
“I don't recall any official functions scheduled for tonight.
Or, should I say, last night.”
The lights came on and Rapunzel froze, blinded by the
loud fluorescents. “Hello, Grandmother. What are you
doing up so late?”
"Grabbing a cup of buttermilk." The old woman regarded
her through a pair of owlish glasses, the kind that
magnified the wearer's eyes. “You?”
Well, if she wasn't even going to try to be pleasant.
“Having a life.”
Granny cackled. “I suppose you think I stayed up to
check up on you, but you're wrong. I know you've been
out every night since you came, and I know all about
your little arrangements with the garage and the
upstairs staff.”
Oh, whatever! Granny was only a duchess, and anyway
she was lying. She didn't have any buttermilk, only her
obnoxious black cat half hidden in the dark folds of her
bathrobe. “Okay, so I'm busted," Rapunzel said.
“Not busted, dear. Like I say, I already knew about your society slumming expeditions.” She stepped closer
and snagged the Christian Louboutins with one twig-like finger. “But now I'm ready to do something about it.”
Rapunzel swung her hand out to try to get the shoes back, but the cat swiped at her with its claw, allowing
Granny to pull the shoes behind her back. Rapunzel sucked the blood from the back of her hand, fuming. “All
right, all right! I'll do whatever you say as long as I'm stuck here, just give the shoes back. They belong to
Mom.”
Granny handed them back with a fakey-sweet smile. “That's better, dear. Now follow me upstairs.” She
turned and started up, the black cat scampering ahead. When Rapunzel muttered something she turned
sharply. “What's that you're calling me now?”
“Nothing Grandmother. Just 'witch'.” She put enough sarcasm into her voice to let the old lady know she'd
said something else.
Granny turned back up the staircase with a few mutters of her own. She climbed fast for an old lady, faster
than Rapunzel felt like following at this late hour, and with the early menace of a hangover. They didn't stop
on the third floor guest wing, but went to the very top of the staircase. Another door gave way to a spiral
staircase that went up so many more flights it made Rapunzel's brains gurgle. At the top Grandmother lifted a
latch, and pushed open the door to a perfectly round room. The high tower.
“Locking me in a tower. Uh-huh. Isn't that just a little bit last millenium?”
Granny stroked the heavy door lovingly, and purred, “Oh no, my dear, no need for locking, no need for that at
all. I'm just showing you this nice room where you can rest. If you like.”
Rapunzel shrugged. Her legs ached from all those stairs, and her head buzzed with the beginnings of a truly
revolting headache. The room was bare except for a desk with a computer on it, and a large bed where the
cat perched with queenly elegance. The lavender pile of pillows and satin covers looked much more appetizing
than a trip downstairs. She heaped her things in Granny's arms and went to sit on the edge of the bed,
bouncing lightly. “This will do. For tonight.”
“A very wise choice, deary.” Granny tossed the designer slings and the rest of her stuff on the floor, giggling
when Rapunzel's gasped. As she shuffled out the door with her cat, she called back, “Go ahead. Tell her.” The
massive door slammed.
“Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.” How did the old fiend know what she'd been thinking? But she was too tired to worry about it.
She slipped the borrowed Betsey Johnson babydoll around her hips and tossed it on the floor, and snuggled
under the covers. Why did Mom even make her come here? Rapunzel suspected ‘Granny’ wasn't even her real
grandmother.
Her head pounded when she awoke the next morning. She found a bathroom next to the stairway door, with
pajamas waiting for after her shower. The only thing in the room besides her bed was a table, with an old
gray box of a computer and a phone. A golden princess-style phone. Well. She could check that out later. Time
to check Facebook.
But when she tried to get anything to work on the computer, she found no internet connection whatsoever.
This was too much—no internet? What kind of relic was this? She clicked one by one the desktop icons, but
none of them did anything. She was dying to brag on last night to her friends, especially the dorks who hadn't
been invited. As for the girls who were there, Mom's fashions had just about fried their eyeballs out, and now
she wanted to rub their faces in it. Rapunzel pouted. She was itching to log on, to assume her
"princess4now" identity and socialize, but this dinosaur of a computer was useless. She slapped the monitor
and swore.
At first the screen went blank, but then an icon appeared–an icon with a castle on it. She clicked, and with a
strange fizzy sound an intricate game world came into view. There was something almost too real about the
graphics. Even if she squinted she couldn't see any pixels, and so many shades colored the screen you could
go through a store full of eye shadow and still not find names for all of them. In some ways the themes were
familiar, the backdrop of your usual sword-and-sorcery games, but somehow bigger, more realistic. Messier,
she decided. Another weird thing became apparent when she opened the first level: she wasn't the boy
setting out to rescue the princess, she was the princess. A short-haired princess, true, but with a frilly pink
dress that didn't bode well. Rapunzel scrunched up her face in disgust. What fun would it be to just sit there
waiting to be rescued? She muttered "Lame," but let the thing run. Might as well kill time until somebody
showed up with breakfast.
Soon she found herself under an attack of rabbits. Not toothy ones, just regular bunnies that hopped up and
begged for carrots. That's all there was to it, run around the palace garden plucking up carrots, followed by a
hoard of voracious rabbits. After about a thousand carrots, the outline of a crown appeared at the top of the
screen, with one dot of iridescent gold shining like sunlight. "Destiny," flashed a message in curlicue golden
script. To get out of the dirty old garden she had to get by a witch, but the witch just shoved her back in the
dirt and creaked out, "Get back to work." After a few levels digging potatoes, picking peas and shoveling
manure she'd had enough. She still couldn't get past the witch, so she stacked up hay bales and went over
the fence, and then wandered about waiting for somebody to come save her.
But that's not what happened. The only knight who showed up needed to be rescued from this gnarly mage.
She managed it easily, slicing and dicing a phoenix along the way. The next knight was in even more trouble,
enchanted by the evil eye of an ancient statue. Lor, creepy stuff. But she found some syrup that morphed her
into a dragon and saved the dude. Then things got really heavy.
She was so engrossed that, by the time the golden princess phone rang at noon, she'd forgotten Facebook
and everything else. She hadn't even realized she was hungry.
Granny's voice reminded her. “I'm coming up, dearie, with a carton of Szechuan tofu. Press the golden button
and let me in.”
Rapunzel pressed the button, then went back to her game. She had to find the magic porridge bowl that
would save a peasant from starvation to get the next blotch of gold on her crown.
Every day Granny came with some kind of take-out. Rapunzel kept advancing in the game, barely even
looking up as she played. In the back of her mind she knew something was wrong about this situation,
terribly wrong. Her life as a princess was supposed to be a whirl of parties, shopping and charity functions,
but now all those things were missing. Except she didn't miss them. The game had become her life; a life in
pajamas, where helping people was sort of fun and her crown glowed ever brighter as she passed the levels.
She didn't even mind when Granny sat there watching her play, a satisfied gleam in her eyes beneath the owl
glasses every time that "Destiny" message flashed on screen.
Rapunzel sometimes thought about going back downstairs, and even tried contacting a friend in town, but
the princess phone wouldn't call out. Oh well, there was a shapeshifting dog who needed her to follow him
underground with a magic candle, so his daughter would be cured and the emerald dog biscuit—well, let's
just say this all went on for quite a long time.
One day, the sushi Granny brought was so stale Rapunzel looked up from her game. “This is gross.”
“Is not. Millions of Asians eat raw fish every day and fit into skinny minis at night.”
“No, I mean these makizkshi rolls are rank. They taste like freaking pond scum.”
Granny tossed the sushi to her cat and shoved the rice bowl towards Rapunzel. "Suck it up, or to paraphrase
Marie Antoinette, Let Little Miss Snotcakes eat rice.”
Rapunzel had been in the middle of a quest for the Firebird and wanted to earn some more gold for her
Destiny Crown, but unexpectedly a thought crossed her mind. “Grandmother? It seems to me I've been here
a very long time. In fact, I've been here long enough I think I've forgotten time." She shook her head. "Oh,
that doesn't make sense. But why are you keeping me here, anyway?”
“Heh, don't you like my little game there?" She patted the ancient computer with her claw. "It's a special
something I cooked up for you, a little brew of self-sacrifice and adventure. Addictive, isn't it? It's part of a
deal I worked out with your mother."
She'd forgotten all about Mother. “It's been weeks, hasn't it? She must be getting worried.”
“Not at all, not at all. See, she put you under my protection.”
Rapunzel picked the cat up and stroked it absently. “Protection? From what?”
"From yourself."
"Meh."
"Your ma and I go way back. I gave her something once, and in return she's letting me take care of you.”
“What the hell for?”
“Because I asked nicely.” The old lady cackled and leaned towards Rapunzel, squeezing the cat in her lap so
that it jumped away. “I happen to be an herbalist, and when she was pregnant she had a craving for certain,
shall we say, herbs.”
“So, what, you shared some hash with her in Amsterdam one time and asked for her firstborn in return?”
“Eh-heh-heh, pretty close. You are your mother's daughter for sure. She always was a skanky little twat.”
“What! Nice grannies don't talk like that!”
“I'm not your real granny. Actually, I'm your godmother.”
“Oh, spare me.”
“Sure, and sweet little princesses don't spew sarcasm all over old ladies. Listen, it's been a very pleasant
conversation, but I've got to run.”
“Wait!” Rapunzel grabbed her sleeve. “You have to tell me what you want. I've been so busy playing this
game, I've lost track of everything. You're my only link to my family, my friends–anything in the real world!”
Granny narrowed her eyes behind the owl glasses. “You want to keep playing the game, don't you?”
“Oh, yes, yes, but…”
“Good. Because that's the way I designed it. You crave the game like a drug, and you'll keep at it until you
play your way out!” She broke free and thumped out of the room, slamming the door behind. For the first
time, a key clinked in the lock and a deadbolt fell into place.
Rapunzel stared after her for about three seconds, then went back to her game.
Months passed, and apart from the locked door things went on about the same. Granny still came with her
attitude and her cat, but less frequently, talking about ‘work’ she had to do during various phases of the
moon. From time to time Rapunzel tried to think about other things, but the enchanted game held to her mind
like velcro. She didn't care about gossip or shopping anymore, but she began to crave any kind of contact
with another real person.
One day the golden telephone phone rang, and Rapunzel picked it up, thinking it would be another of
Granny's annoying calls to ask whether or not she was sleeping. But it was a male voice instead. “Pizza
delivery. Which door should I go to? This is a big place.”
“Oh!" This had to be a wrong number, but might as well take advantage. "Why, umm, how about if you come
up the stairs to the tower? But don't call again. Just lift the latch when you get up, 'k?”
“Sure thing, miss. Be right up.”
She hadn't worn anything but jammies in a month, though Granny had brought up a small bundle of her
clothes. She threw on an evening gown, decided it was all wrong for the occasion, changed into a pecan
sheath, decided that was also wrong and finally found some jeans and a sequined tee. She was finger-
combing her well grown-out hair when the latch chunked open.
“Pizza guy.”
“Come in, please!” She pressed the golden button, which opened the door from her side. And there, standing
before her, in jeans and NIN t-shirt, strand of jet-dyed hair flopping over some minor blemishes, stood a male
human. A commoner, but this was no time to be choosy. She clutched the hand that didn't have a pizza box in
it and gasped, “Hello, I'm Rapunzel, I'm so very glad to meet you, won't you come in, what's your name?”
He slipped his hand out of hers and carried the pizza over to the desk. “Name's Guy. That'll be ten ninety-five,
unless of course you feel like adding in a tip.”
“Money! Right, of course you want money, don't you? Half a sec.”
While she dug around for her purse, Guy took a seat in front of the computer. “Dang, I thought I'd seen every
game out there, but this in different. Mind if I try?”
“No!” She found her purse, but there was no money in it. “That is, no, go ahead, just…” She started checking
pockets.
“Just don't screw anything up, gotcha.” Guy's hands experimented with the keys, and soon he was playing
with a geeky intensity she found endearing.
She looked unsuccessfully for money while he played. After a couple minutes he said, “Check this out—there's
a two-player option.” He was right; a second crown had appeared at the top of the screen.
Soon they sat side by side at the computer, eating pizza and laughing together as they navigated the game's
fascinating world. Though she never did find any money, Guy didn't complain. Rapunzel didn't want Granny to
catch them, but thankfully the old toad didn't come up too often any more.
From then on he came to her every night after work, always bringing leftover pizza. They played the game,
wandered through the fairy tale world experiencing adventure after adventure. She found a way to turn his
character into a prince, and he found her princess some hair extensions she could use to work magic. Gaming
had been fine before, but Guy provided the one element she'd been missing—the human element.
Sometimes Guy never made it home at night, but went straight from the tower to business college. He was
studying to be a financial adviser, which Rapunzel found utterly charming. She would kiss him good-bye, and
bite her lip as he walked out into the dawn. Could this be love? Once it a while she heard something fluffy rub
against the door late at night, but she felt no need to worry about a cat.
One day, a couple months later, the golden princess phone rang at the usual time. “Come on up,” Rapunzel
said, and hung up to hastily arrange the game so that both of the almost-filled in golden crowns appeared.
When she heard the latch lift she pushed her button, only to find…
“Granny!”
“Mmm-hmpph.” Granny swept her way in and stood in the middle of the room, hands on hips, sniffing the air
like a dog. “Smells like sex. Aren't we getting a little plump lately?”
Rapunzel ran her hand over her belly. Lately she had begun to suspect there was more going on down there
than pizza and a gamer lifestyle, but all she could come up with was a defensive “No.”
The phone rang.
“Pick it up.” Granny nodded at the princess phone.
“I…”
“Pick it up!” When Rapunzel did, she continued, “Now you sweet-talk him up here.”
“H-h-hello? Yes. Yeah, everything's okay, just, um, a castle fell on me. Yeah, I know, I was all like, boogers,
that sucked! Yeah. Come right on up. Bye.” She put the receiver back in the cradle, and her face in her hands.
Granny shifted her glasses into her pocket and stood behind the open door.
When Guy came up the steps and found the door open, he ran right into the trap, calling, “Hey beautiful
princess, it's the pie man!”
Granny closed the door and stepped out of the shadows. “You.” She rushed at Guy. “You!” He stepped
backward, but the old creature was all over his throat, spitting her fury in his face. “I had this princess in
training, and she was coming right along until you interfered! I had the computer all set up to teach her every
old-fashioned value in the book: bravery, compassion, selflessness, patience, chastity, piety, swordplay!”
Rapunzel peeked from between her fingers. “Swordplay?”
“It builds character, dammit! And now this, this…man comes here with his manly ways, distracting my fledgling
princess! Why I ought to…” She reached for his neck and lunged, throwing him backwards.
Rapunzel jumped up and tried to pull Granny off the beleaguered pizza boy, but the crone was endowed with
superhuman strength. She had Guy on the floor and was repeatedly pulling him up by the shoulders and
banging his head back to the floor, as the cat circled. Finally she said some strange words and spit into both
of his eyes. Guy screamed. Finally Granny let him up, and he ran for the door with his hands over his eyes.
Rapunzel called after him, but he didn't stop, but stumbled down the stairs as if blind.
“What have you done to him?” Rapunzel tried to move, but Granny's claws stuck in her collar. “Let me go, you
old witch!” She managed to turn to face the old woman, but couldn't get out of her grip. Rapunzel clawed at
her, but the woman had her pinned against the wall in no time. “You're too strong! It's not natural!”
“Natural! Well I guess I'll show you natural, little miss…”
“Unhand my daughter!”
Granny's grip loosened as she turned, and Rapunzel used this momentary lapse to break free and run to her
mother. “Your royal Momness, it is so awesome that you're here!”
Mom, ignoring her, stalked toward Granny. “What are you doing to her? She looks like a common tramp!”
Granny chortled, evil and fearless as ever. “Teaching your little whelp some manners, for one thing.”
“And where are my clothes? I sent my daughter to you with a couple suitcases full of designer fashions. What
have you done with them?”
“Yeah, what?” Rapunzel said, but still they ignored her.
The two women approached each other, fists at their sides and eyes locked. Granny lunged, and Mom fought
back with tooth and French tipped nail. Rapunzel tried to help, pulling Granny's hair and poking at her with a
leftover baguette, but for the most part all she could do was stay out of the way.
Granny shrieked curses, and fumed. “I should never have let the little posh-pussy into my house–OOF–only
did it as a favor to–Hey!” Mom had Granny's wig off and tossed it to Rapunzel, who nabbed it on the fly and
ran towards the window.
Mom had her hands around Granny's neck. “Ah, how much of your power was in that frightwig, you old prune?
Now I have you! You'll have to give me back my most precious possession, my…” Rapunzel stood at the
window, poised to throw the wig out. “…spring footwear collection!”
Rapunzel's hand froze, wig in frisbee position, and gaped at her two fighting elders. Spring footwear
collection? “Hey, what about me? Isn't a daughter more precious than some shoes?” She stomped back
toward the fray.
Again they ignored her. “My shoes, what have you done with them? And the dresses! You'd better not have
ruined them, Baldy!”
“Naaaahh, gave 'em to Goodwill.” Even without the wig, Granny was giving back as good as she got.
Rapunzel flung the wig on the floor and shrieked, “This is way uncool! Aren't you two supposed to be training
me to be a queen? Shouldn't you maybe, I don't know, set a better example?” There was no answer as the
two rolled over, trading vicious slaps. “Fine. If that's how it's going to be, I'm getting out of here and going to
find Guy. You may think he's nothing but a commoner, but he's a prince to me. You know, my one true love?
Father of my kid? Your future freaking King!” She let out an exasperated huff of air and ran down the stairs.
* * *
As soon as the princess was out of earshot, the two women got up. Granny brushed some dust of the
younger woman's dress, and the queen handed the witch her wig. The cat went from one to the other,
rubbing legs.
“That went well,” Granny said, settling the gray wig back on her head. She fished in her pocket for her
glasses and rubbed them with a hanky. “The eye thing is only temporary, of course.”
The queen smiled, and walked over to the computer. “This enchanted video game must have worked
wonders. Much nicer than the enchanted game show you used on me.”
"Oh well, just because I practice magic doesn't mean I can't keep up with the times."
"Look at this, these pretty gold crowns are all filled in. Destiny, it says." She smiled and ran her finger along
the screen.
"Don't mess with that, darling. Best to be careful around spells." Granny flicked the computer off. "Of course
she's still mouthy, and pregnant too…"
Rapunzel's mother put an arm around the witch. "But with a heart of gold. She may be a modern girl, but
she's a real princess now. She beat the game."
swiping her key card to open the servants' door. They
weren't really her shoes. She'd borrowed them from
Mother, along with a couple suitcases full of designer
fashions, before she came up to the Granny's castle to
visit. At sixteen she felt ready for adult styles. Of course
Mother didn't know she'd be wearing them to
unsanctioned parties, and Granny didn't need to know.
Hopefully by three a.m. the old bag would be in bed.
Rapunzel hooked her finger under the straps and felt
her way through the kitchen toward the back staircase.
“I don't recall any official functions scheduled for tonight.
Or, should I say, last night.”
The lights came on and Rapunzel froze, blinded by the
loud fluorescents. “Hello, Grandmother. What are you
doing up so late?”
"Grabbing a cup of buttermilk." The old woman regarded
her through a pair of owlish glasses, the kind that
magnified the wearer's eyes. “You?”
Well, if she wasn't even going to try to be pleasant.
“Having a life.”
Granny cackled. “I suppose you think I stayed up to
check up on you, but you're wrong. I know you've been
out every night since you came, and I know all about
your little arrangements with the garage and the
upstairs staff.”
Oh, whatever! Granny was only a duchess, and anyway
she was lying. She didn't have any buttermilk, only her
obnoxious black cat half hidden in the dark folds of her
bathrobe. “Okay, so I'm busted," Rapunzel said.
“Not busted, dear. Like I say, I already knew about your society slumming expeditions.” She stepped closer
and snagged the Christian Louboutins with one twig-like finger. “But now I'm ready to do something about it.”
Rapunzel swung her hand out to try to get the shoes back, but the cat swiped at her with its claw, allowing
Granny to pull the shoes behind her back. Rapunzel sucked the blood from the back of her hand, fuming. “All
right, all right! I'll do whatever you say as long as I'm stuck here, just give the shoes back. They belong to
Mom.”
Granny handed them back with a fakey-sweet smile. “That's better, dear. Now follow me upstairs.” She
turned and started up, the black cat scampering ahead. When Rapunzel muttered something she turned
sharply. “What's that you're calling me now?”
“Nothing Grandmother. Just 'witch'.” She put enough sarcasm into her voice to let the old lady know she'd
said something else.
Granny turned back up the staircase with a few mutters of her own. She climbed fast for an old lady, faster
than Rapunzel felt like following at this late hour, and with the early menace of a hangover. They didn't stop
on the third floor guest wing, but went to the very top of the staircase. Another door gave way to a spiral
staircase that went up so many more flights it made Rapunzel's brains gurgle. At the top Grandmother lifted a
latch, and pushed open the door to a perfectly round room. The high tower.
“Locking me in a tower. Uh-huh. Isn't that just a little bit last millenium?”
Granny stroked the heavy door lovingly, and purred, “Oh no, my dear, no need for locking, no need for that at
all. I'm just showing you this nice room where you can rest. If you like.”
Rapunzel shrugged. Her legs ached from all those stairs, and her head buzzed with the beginnings of a truly
revolting headache. The room was bare except for a desk with a computer on it, and a large bed where the
cat perched with queenly elegance. The lavender pile of pillows and satin covers looked much more appetizing
than a trip downstairs. She heaped her things in Granny's arms and went to sit on the edge of the bed,
bouncing lightly. “This will do. For tonight.”
“A very wise choice, deary.” Granny tossed the designer slings and the rest of her stuff on the floor, giggling
when Rapunzel's gasped. As she shuffled out the door with her cat, she called back, “Go ahead. Tell her.” The
massive door slammed.
“Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.” How did the old fiend know what she'd been thinking? But she was too tired to worry about it.
She slipped the borrowed Betsey Johnson babydoll around her hips and tossed it on the floor, and snuggled
under the covers. Why did Mom even make her come here? Rapunzel suspected ‘Granny’ wasn't even her real
grandmother.
Her head pounded when she awoke the next morning. She found a bathroom next to the stairway door, with
pajamas waiting for after her shower. The only thing in the room besides her bed was a table, with an old
gray box of a computer and a phone. A golden princess-style phone. Well. She could check that out later. Time
to check Facebook.
But when she tried to get anything to work on the computer, she found no internet connection whatsoever.
This was too much—no internet? What kind of relic was this? She clicked one by one the desktop icons, but
none of them did anything. She was dying to brag on last night to her friends, especially the dorks who hadn't
been invited. As for the girls who were there, Mom's fashions had just about fried their eyeballs out, and now
she wanted to rub their faces in it. Rapunzel pouted. She was itching to log on, to assume her
"princess4now" identity and socialize, but this dinosaur of a computer was useless. She slapped the monitor
and swore.
At first the screen went blank, but then an icon appeared–an icon with a castle on it. She clicked, and with a
strange fizzy sound an intricate game world came into view. There was something almost too real about the
graphics. Even if she squinted she couldn't see any pixels, and so many shades colored the screen you could
go through a store full of eye shadow and still not find names for all of them. In some ways the themes were
familiar, the backdrop of your usual sword-and-sorcery games, but somehow bigger, more realistic. Messier,
she decided. Another weird thing became apparent when she opened the first level: she wasn't the boy
setting out to rescue the princess, she was the princess. A short-haired princess, true, but with a frilly pink
dress that didn't bode well. Rapunzel scrunched up her face in disgust. What fun would it be to just sit there
waiting to be rescued? She muttered "Lame," but let the thing run. Might as well kill time until somebody
showed up with breakfast.
Soon she found herself under an attack of rabbits. Not toothy ones, just regular bunnies that hopped up and
begged for carrots. That's all there was to it, run around the palace garden plucking up carrots, followed by a
hoard of voracious rabbits. After about a thousand carrots, the outline of a crown appeared at the top of the
screen, with one dot of iridescent gold shining like sunlight. "Destiny," flashed a message in curlicue golden
script. To get out of the dirty old garden she had to get by a witch, but the witch just shoved her back in the
dirt and creaked out, "Get back to work." After a few levels digging potatoes, picking peas and shoveling
manure she'd had enough. She still couldn't get past the witch, so she stacked up hay bales and went over
the fence, and then wandered about waiting for somebody to come save her.
But that's not what happened. The only knight who showed up needed to be rescued from this gnarly mage.
She managed it easily, slicing and dicing a phoenix along the way. The next knight was in even more trouble,
enchanted by the evil eye of an ancient statue. Lor, creepy stuff. But she found some syrup that morphed her
into a dragon and saved the dude. Then things got really heavy.
She was so engrossed that, by the time the golden princess phone rang at noon, she'd forgotten Facebook
and everything else. She hadn't even realized she was hungry.
Granny's voice reminded her. “I'm coming up, dearie, with a carton of Szechuan tofu. Press the golden button
and let me in.”
Rapunzel pressed the button, then went back to her game. She had to find the magic porridge bowl that
would save a peasant from starvation to get the next blotch of gold on her crown.
Every day Granny came with some kind of take-out. Rapunzel kept advancing in the game, barely even
looking up as she played. In the back of her mind she knew something was wrong about this situation,
terribly wrong. Her life as a princess was supposed to be a whirl of parties, shopping and charity functions,
but now all those things were missing. Except she didn't miss them. The game had become her life; a life in
pajamas, where helping people was sort of fun and her crown glowed ever brighter as she passed the levels.
She didn't even mind when Granny sat there watching her play, a satisfied gleam in her eyes beneath the owl
glasses every time that "Destiny" message flashed on screen.
Rapunzel sometimes thought about going back downstairs, and even tried contacting a friend in town, but
the princess phone wouldn't call out. Oh well, there was a shapeshifting dog who needed her to follow him
underground with a magic candle, so his daughter would be cured and the emerald dog biscuit—well, let's
just say this all went on for quite a long time.
One day, the sushi Granny brought was so stale Rapunzel looked up from her game. “This is gross.”
“Is not. Millions of Asians eat raw fish every day and fit into skinny minis at night.”
“No, I mean these makizkshi rolls are rank. They taste like freaking pond scum.”
Granny tossed the sushi to her cat and shoved the rice bowl towards Rapunzel. "Suck it up, or to paraphrase
Marie Antoinette, Let Little Miss Snotcakes eat rice.”
Rapunzel had been in the middle of a quest for the Firebird and wanted to earn some more gold for her
Destiny Crown, but unexpectedly a thought crossed her mind. “Grandmother? It seems to me I've been here
a very long time. In fact, I've been here long enough I think I've forgotten time." She shook her head. "Oh,
that doesn't make sense. But why are you keeping me here, anyway?”
“Heh, don't you like my little game there?" She patted the ancient computer with her claw. "It's a special
something I cooked up for you, a little brew of self-sacrifice and adventure. Addictive, isn't it? It's part of a
deal I worked out with your mother."
She'd forgotten all about Mother. “It's been weeks, hasn't it? She must be getting worried.”
“Not at all, not at all. See, she put you under my protection.”
Rapunzel picked the cat up and stroked it absently. “Protection? From what?”
"From yourself."
"Meh."
"Your ma and I go way back. I gave her something once, and in return she's letting me take care of you.”
“What the hell for?”
“Because I asked nicely.” The old lady cackled and leaned towards Rapunzel, squeezing the cat in her lap so
that it jumped away. “I happen to be an herbalist, and when she was pregnant she had a craving for certain,
shall we say, herbs.”
“So, what, you shared some hash with her in Amsterdam one time and asked for her firstborn in return?”
“Eh-heh-heh, pretty close. You are your mother's daughter for sure. She always was a skanky little twat.”
“What! Nice grannies don't talk like that!”
“I'm not your real granny. Actually, I'm your godmother.”
“Oh, spare me.”
“Sure, and sweet little princesses don't spew sarcasm all over old ladies. Listen, it's been a very pleasant
conversation, but I've got to run.”
“Wait!” Rapunzel grabbed her sleeve. “You have to tell me what you want. I've been so busy playing this
game, I've lost track of everything. You're my only link to my family, my friends–anything in the real world!”
Granny narrowed her eyes behind the owl glasses. “You want to keep playing the game, don't you?”
“Oh, yes, yes, but…”
“Good. Because that's the way I designed it. You crave the game like a drug, and you'll keep at it until you
play your way out!” She broke free and thumped out of the room, slamming the door behind. For the first
time, a key clinked in the lock and a deadbolt fell into place.
Rapunzel stared after her for about three seconds, then went back to her game.
Months passed, and apart from the locked door things went on about the same. Granny still came with her
attitude and her cat, but less frequently, talking about ‘work’ she had to do during various phases of the
moon. From time to time Rapunzel tried to think about other things, but the enchanted game held to her mind
like velcro. She didn't care about gossip or shopping anymore, but she began to crave any kind of contact
with another real person.
One day the golden telephone phone rang, and Rapunzel picked it up, thinking it would be another of
Granny's annoying calls to ask whether or not she was sleeping. But it was a male voice instead. “Pizza
delivery. Which door should I go to? This is a big place.”
“Oh!" This had to be a wrong number, but might as well take advantage. "Why, umm, how about if you come
up the stairs to the tower? But don't call again. Just lift the latch when you get up, 'k?”
“Sure thing, miss. Be right up.”
She hadn't worn anything but jammies in a month, though Granny had brought up a small bundle of her
clothes. She threw on an evening gown, decided it was all wrong for the occasion, changed into a pecan
sheath, decided that was also wrong and finally found some jeans and a sequined tee. She was finger-
combing her well grown-out hair when the latch chunked open.
“Pizza guy.”
“Come in, please!” She pressed the golden button, which opened the door from her side. And there, standing
before her, in jeans and NIN t-shirt, strand of jet-dyed hair flopping over some minor blemishes, stood a male
human. A commoner, but this was no time to be choosy. She clutched the hand that didn't have a pizza box in
it and gasped, “Hello, I'm Rapunzel, I'm so very glad to meet you, won't you come in, what's your name?”
He slipped his hand out of hers and carried the pizza over to the desk. “Name's Guy. That'll be ten ninety-five,
unless of course you feel like adding in a tip.”
“Money! Right, of course you want money, don't you? Half a sec.”
While she dug around for her purse, Guy took a seat in front of the computer. “Dang, I thought I'd seen every
game out there, but this in different. Mind if I try?”
“No!” She found her purse, but there was no money in it. “That is, no, go ahead, just…” She started checking
pockets.
“Just don't screw anything up, gotcha.” Guy's hands experimented with the keys, and soon he was playing
with a geeky intensity she found endearing.
She looked unsuccessfully for money while he played. After a couple minutes he said, “Check this out—there's
a two-player option.” He was right; a second crown had appeared at the top of the screen.
Soon they sat side by side at the computer, eating pizza and laughing together as they navigated the game's
fascinating world. Though she never did find any money, Guy didn't complain. Rapunzel didn't want Granny to
catch them, but thankfully the old toad didn't come up too often any more.
From then on he came to her every night after work, always bringing leftover pizza. They played the game,
wandered through the fairy tale world experiencing adventure after adventure. She found a way to turn his
character into a prince, and he found her princess some hair extensions she could use to work magic. Gaming
had been fine before, but Guy provided the one element she'd been missing—the human element.
Sometimes Guy never made it home at night, but went straight from the tower to business college. He was
studying to be a financial adviser, which Rapunzel found utterly charming. She would kiss him good-bye, and
bite her lip as he walked out into the dawn. Could this be love? Once it a while she heard something fluffy rub
against the door late at night, but she felt no need to worry about a cat.
One day, a couple months later, the golden princess phone rang at the usual time. “Come on up,” Rapunzel
said, and hung up to hastily arrange the game so that both of the almost-filled in golden crowns appeared.
When she heard the latch lift she pushed her button, only to find…
“Granny!”
“Mmm-hmpph.” Granny swept her way in and stood in the middle of the room, hands on hips, sniffing the air
like a dog. “Smells like sex. Aren't we getting a little plump lately?”
Rapunzel ran her hand over her belly. Lately she had begun to suspect there was more going on down there
than pizza and a gamer lifestyle, but all she could come up with was a defensive “No.”
The phone rang.
“Pick it up.” Granny nodded at the princess phone.
“I…”
“Pick it up!” When Rapunzel did, she continued, “Now you sweet-talk him up here.”
“H-h-hello? Yes. Yeah, everything's okay, just, um, a castle fell on me. Yeah, I know, I was all like, boogers,
that sucked! Yeah. Come right on up. Bye.” She put the receiver back in the cradle, and her face in her hands.
Granny shifted her glasses into her pocket and stood behind the open door.
When Guy came up the steps and found the door open, he ran right into the trap, calling, “Hey beautiful
princess, it's the pie man!”
Granny closed the door and stepped out of the shadows. “You.” She rushed at Guy. “You!” He stepped
backward, but the old creature was all over his throat, spitting her fury in his face. “I had this princess in
training, and she was coming right along until you interfered! I had the computer all set up to teach her every
old-fashioned value in the book: bravery, compassion, selflessness, patience, chastity, piety, swordplay!”
Rapunzel peeked from between her fingers. “Swordplay?”
“It builds character, dammit! And now this, this…man comes here with his manly ways, distracting my fledgling
princess! Why I ought to…” She reached for his neck and lunged, throwing him backwards.
Rapunzel jumped up and tried to pull Granny off the beleaguered pizza boy, but the crone was endowed with
superhuman strength. She had Guy on the floor and was repeatedly pulling him up by the shoulders and
banging his head back to the floor, as the cat circled. Finally she said some strange words and spit into both
of his eyes. Guy screamed. Finally Granny let him up, and he ran for the door with his hands over his eyes.
Rapunzel called after him, but he didn't stop, but stumbled down the stairs as if blind.
“What have you done to him?” Rapunzel tried to move, but Granny's claws stuck in her collar. “Let me go, you
old witch!” She managed to turn to face the old woman, but couldn't get out of her grip. Rapunzel clawed at
her, but the woman had her pinned against the wall in no time. “You're too strong! It's not natural!”
“Natural! Well I guess I'll show you natural, little miss…”
“Unhand my daughter!”
Granny's grip loosened as she turned, and Rapunzel used this momentary lapse to break free and run to her
mother. “Your royal Momness, it is so awesome that you're here!”
Mom, ignoring her, stalked toward Granny. “What are you doing to her? She looks like a common tramp!”
Granny chortled, evil and fearless as ever. “Teaching your little whelp some manners, for one thing.”
“And where are my clothes? I sent my daughter to you with a couple suitcases full of designer fashions. What
have you done with them?”
“Yeah, what?” Rapunzel said, but still they ignored her.
The two women approached each other, fists at their sides and eyes locked. Granny lunged, and Mom fought
back with tooth and French tipped nail. Rapunzel tried to help, pulling Granny's hair and poking at her with a
leftover baguette, but for the most part all she could do was stay out of the way.
Granny shrieked curses, and fumed. “I should never have let the little posh-pussy into my house–OOF–only
did it as a favor to–Hey!” Mom had Granny's wig off and tossed it to Rapunzel, who nabbed it on the fly and
ran towards the window.
Mom had her hands around Granny's neck. “Ah, how much of your power was in that frightwig, you old prune?
Now I have you! You'll have to give me back my most precious possession, my…” Rapunzel stood at the
window, poised to throw the wig out. “…spring footwear collection!”
Rapunzel's hand froze, wig in frisbee position, and gaped at her two fighting elders. Spring footwear
collection? “Hey, what about me? Isn't a daughter more precious than some shoes?” She stomped back
toward the fray.
Again they ignored her. “My shoes, what have you done with them? And the dresses! You'd better not have
ruined them, Baldy!”
“Naaaahh, gave 'em to Goodwill.” Even without the wig, Granny was giving back as good as she got.
Rapunzel flung the wig on the floor and shrieked, “This is way uncool! Aren't you two supposed to be training
me to be a queen? Shouldn't you maybe, I don't know, set a better example?” There was no answer as the
two rolled over, trading vicious slaps. “Fine. If that's how it's going to be, I'm getting out of here and going to
find Guy. You may think he's nothing but a commoner, but he's a prince to me. You know, my one true love?
Father of my kid? Your future freaking King!” She let out an exasperated huff of air and ran down the stairs.
* * *
As soon as the princess was out of earshot, the two women got up. Granny brushed some dust of the
younger woman's dress, and the queen handed the witch her wig. The cat went from one to the other,
rubbing legs.
“That went well,” Granny said, settling the gray wig back on her head. She fished in her pocket for her
glasses and rubbed them with a hanky. “The eye thing is only temporary, of course.”
The queen smiled, and walked over to the computer. “This enchanted video game must have worked
wonders. Much nicer than the enchanted game show you used on me.”
"Oh well, just because I practice magic doesn't mean I can't keep up with the times."
"Look at this, these pretty gold crowns are all filled in. Destiny, it says." She smiled and ran her finger along
the screen.
"Don't mess with that, darling. Best to be careful around spells." Granny flicked the computer off. "Of course
she's still mouthy, and pregnant too…"
Rapunzel's mother put an arm around the witch. "But with a heart of gold. She may be a modern girl, but
she's a real princess now. She beat the game."
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Cathy Douglas has been an enthusiastic reader for as long as she
can remember, and is now getting her feet wet as a writer. She
grew up in northern California. Currently she lives with her
husband and one of two adult sons in Madison, Wisconsin, where
she works at a metaphysical bookstore.
The line she hears most often from strangers is, "Oh, I know you!
You're the one I always see outside walking/jogging/biking."
can remember, and is now getting her feet wet as a writer. She
grew up in northern California. Currently she lives with her
husband and one of two adult sons in Madison, Wisconsin, where
she works at a metaphysical bookstore.
The line she hears most often from strangers is, "Oh, I know you!
You're the one I always see outside walking/jogging/biking."