Written by Wade R. DeYoung / Artwork by Marcia Borell

In the First Age, Saurónald, the Dark Lord of McMordor,

Created the fast-food franchise,

Which reeked with the scent of lava-grease,

Pippin-pickles, and Olorions.

Saurónald, now banished for forging the McOne Ring in Mount McDoom,

Relinquished control of McMiddle-Earth to the Elf-shift supervisors,

The dwarf-lords of McMoria, who counted golden McNuggets

And Golden Arches bazaar chains

In their offices of stone,

And to the McMaiar wizards, Grimace the Purple

And Sauceuman the Orange.

The McHobbits did the menial labor in McMiddle-Earth.

Four classes of McHobbits: Fry-hobbits, Grill-hobbits,

Cashier-hobbits, and night Maintenance-hobbits.

In the Second Age, the Dark Lord Saurónald created

The drive-thru and proclaimed that all McOrcs

And McNazgul at the drive-thru

Must receive their food orders in five minutes.

Cathy, the Elf-shift supervisor commanded,

“McFrodo, I’m taking you off grill duty and putting you on drive-thru.”

The young McHobbit’s eyes gleamed in joy from escaping

The tyranny of the lava-grease.

“You’re promoting me to Cashier-hobbit?”

“Yes, now be off!”

She paced the dungeon floors, searching for the McOne Ring

And correcting the McHobbit slaves’ errors.

“Too much glacier-cream, too many Númenapkins,

“Too many packets of Kilitchup,” she said.

Young McFrodo learned how to sidestep Saurónald’s

Treacherous Five-Minutes Decree.

Simply memorize the order and dismiss it as served on the McPalantir.

When the Elf-shift supervisor discovered his misdeed,

Her voice thundered, her eyes blazed.

“You have broken the sacred decree of the Golden Arches!

“Do not do it again!”

Young McFrodo continued handing out

The McGamgee Samwiches and noticed with irony

That the McOrcs and McNazgul he served

Who had bumper stickers emblazoned on the backs

Of their McOliphants and McHell-hawks

With the slogans, “Saurónald Saves”

And “My King is a Carpenter from McMordor”

Were often the rudest.